why? because no one will read it. no one is here anymore. i used to spend hours reading everyone's journal and catching up in their lives. for some reason, people are always more honest when they don't actually have to say things outloud. i know i am. i've said things in this journal i would never in a million years actually speak. that's why i like it.
brett told me that i should start blogging. i don't really get it. although maybe this is what it's like? that, i can be down with.
i really want to write a book. everytime i try and start, i blank out.
it's like i have all these ideas and then i have no idea how to get them onto the page. it's frustrating.
i'm at work and about to leave. so i'll do more of this later. i just wanted to pop in quick and see if i missed it.
i totally do.
- Music:work noise
i think i need to utilize this more as a journal. not many people read this anymore, and i need an outlet of some kind, so why not? it's so weird to me that no one uses this anymore. it was like a phase that we all went through at the exact same time, and then shifted out of at the exact same time. growing up happens in panels, it seems. one panel opens,lifts and shifts and lets another through. like a giant obstacle course. and then one day, this panel that i'm in right now will open and lift and shift and a completely new one will come through the hole and change everything all over again. the shifting is so subtle i don't notice it until the change is complete. it's crazy that way.
i was talking with brett the other day about how different things are from a mere five years ago when we first met. a measly three years ago, things were VASTLY different. we had been dating for about 9 months, and we took a road trip across the country to his sister's wedding. we barely made it there and back, we were so broke. once we got to our destination, we basically lived off of his mother's genorosity, the fact that there is always free food associated with weddings, and my 50 dollar wal-mart card that i had randomly [thankfully] stashed in my purse. both of our accounts were overdrawn, and i wasn't getting paid until the day that we were to head back. we bought food at walmart that we could make in the microwave in our hotel room, and tried to be careful about driving around. it was so lame!!! here i was, 22, and i couldn't even feed myself. so much has changed since then, it's crazy. 3 years sounds like a short time, but it's really so long. SO LONG. everything is different. not bad, just different. better actually. life is so funny. it is constantly teaching me things and i don't even realize it. at least i figure it out sooner or later. most of the time.
things have been weird the last few months. really weird.
in the last few days, things have done a complete 180 and now, i am content. it is so strange how things change so fast. but everything is fine. and i am back to lovin life as i was before.
i am realizing how crazy in love with my husband i am. not that i wasn't in love with him when i married him, but i guess im discovering just how deep that goes. i cannot imagine my life without him. i think about it, and it just...isnt there. he really is a part of me, and i just function better now that he is in my life. he just snapped right in and everything makes more sense and i just...enjoy things more, because i can share them with my best friend. and he really IS my best friend too. how insane is that?
i used to make fun of the saps who told me about that shit. now im one of them. go fuckin figure, right?
oh come on, i couldn't keep it sappy for too long now, could i? *wink*
you know you feel for someone when their tears trigger your own.
losing someone is never easy. and i wish i could make it better, but i can't and no one can.
my favorite quote: "she's really scared."
finally. someone said it, admitted it, TALKED about it.
wouldn't you be?
i for one know i will be. life is the only thing i have ever known. death is something the scares the shit out of me. how does it feel? what do you see? what are you thinking the moment that it slips away from you?
these are all questions i have always wondered and will only know when that time comes and THAT, is scary.
there's no going back from that. it's not like trying liver and onions. you can't put it down and order something else.
1,2,3, that's it. then.....what?
i only hope i can go the same way. peaceful, and knowing that i am now, and have been always, loved.
everyone always says "they only want to be loved" like it's a bad thing. is it really? try asking someone who has to face dying alone. striving to be loved is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of wisdom, i think. it's all we have, in the end. and it's the only thing that matters, in the end.
when my time comes, will it matter how much i had in my checking account, or how big my house was? no. why would it? if someone loves you, you will always be here. and that is amazing to me.
sorry, i get so psuedo philosophical at times like these. but it makes life seem more real. and that is never a bad thing.
it can only make you more appreciative.
so, to my darling, darling friends who are having their hearts broken as i type this, i hope you know that you are loved, and know that you loving her mattered. it's the only thing you could do for her right now, and it's exactly what she needs.
i love you, and i always will.
so i always do this end of the year recap thingy. it's so strange when you see your year broken down into months. new years always makes me a little sad. it's one more year gone where i didn't finish everything i want to accomplish, im older, more responsibility, blahblahblah. i almost dont know what to do with myself now thats it 2009. it seems like time is going so quickly. i was in high school yesterday. oh wait, no i wasn't. that was 8 years ago. wow.
here we go:
january - i got married in vegas. i would say that's note worthy. griffin was also born. these events both took place on the same day. easy to remember!
februrary - this month was just crazy busy because we had just gotten married and were trying to organize life. i remember being extremely stressed during february.
march - ben was born. he's so adorable. also the 7th male in the family to be born since 1983. do you know i'm the last girl this family produced and that was 25 years ago? maybe we stopped at perfection. HA!
april - my dad turned 60. or we called it the 10 anniversary of his 50th birthday. grandpa also started getting a lot weaker. brett's mom also came alone to visit, which was insanely fun - not that i don't love ron.
may - grandpa died. :-( on mother's day. i tunred a quarter of a century old.
june - house hunting ensused like you would not believe. i also started a COMPLETELY new job.
july - we closed on our house. our very first house. it was so scary!!!
august - i spent most of this month working like an effing dog on the house and then we FINALLY got to move in!
september - i was gone every weekend of this month and it was crazy. spent some time with brett's family and whatnot. we also had a flood in the house. which resulted in all of our august work being ripped up and started over.
october - more work on the house. does it ever end? no. work started getting more insane.
november - we went to Texas for Thanksgiving which was an absolute blast. my gram's also turned 93. can you believe it???!!!!
december - i hosted my very first christmas. it was so weird! it was fun but it was a lot of work.
that's my year. doesnt seem like much but at the time it seems like my head is swimming with everything going on.
time to finish book 4 of twilight. it's sunny out today and i so wish i could sparkle. peace.
i just uploaded a twilight icon.
edward is so number one on my "list" [you know, your list of allowed cheats. and shut up, everyone has one.]
closely followed by jeremy piven and jason bateman, who are in a neck and neck race for 2nd. my god, what is wrong with me.
and now i want brett to be a vampire. oh my god, its like im in 8th grade.
edward, if you're reading this, redheads are more fun. trust me. or dont, and i'll show you. *wink*
ive been in a killer mood lately. i don't know what it is, seriously. and apparently my body can't decide if it wants to succumb to this sickness or not, so i have a stuffy nose in the morning and then a mild one during the day, with aches to boot, and then i cant breathe at night, which is making sleeping so wonderful.
i hate this snow emergency bullshit they pull around here. it's so frustrating. and hi, expensive. jackasses.
my hair is now red. like bright red. not lola red, but bright enough. i love it, but i think i'm the only one. i feel like jessica rabbit, which is alright with me, cos she was straight up fine, 'toon or no 'toon.
i'm almost done reading the twilight series and now i want brett to turn into some sexy vampire and tell me cheesy things that are totally romantic even though no one wants to admit it.
vikes game today. it's a biggun. im praying for a play off year. i really hope i get it.
peace. im out to work on my crochet.
so i'm in my little "office" [read: an unused room in the front of the building with a computer and a DOOR]. it is so cold in here, i can't even feel my fingers. but. if i venture out to my cubicle, i get attacked like a zebra, dripping in blood, sauntering past a group of lions that haven't eaten in a week. i would be the zebra.
i gotta say, when i was in high school, if someone had shown me through some magical time machine or crystal ball of sorts what life would be like at 25, i would throw the b.s. flag so high it would look like a flare. marriage? never. i was NOT interested. a 9-5 job? pshhh. i liked the freedom of part time too much to ever believe i would do anything else. a house? erm, isn't that the big thing my mom owns and i have a room in? i thought i'd stick to renting my entire life. much easier. everything is just so different than i imagined. not in a bad way, at all. just completely different. and it's strange when i think back and see how i had my whole life mapped out, and then the universe decided that wasn't going to fly and turned the tables. i am thrilled with the decision by the way. seriously.
christmas season is officially here. thank the lord. i love christmas season. dec 1 - jan 1 is my favorite month. it's so cheerful and pretty. plus we finally had a decent snowfall so everything is clicking into place.
side note: i went to the new kids on the block reunion tour. it.was.amazing. i'm seriously, best concert i've ever been too. it was my goal since i was 7 to see them in concert and i finally accomplished it. :-)
danny wood winked at me. oh yes, he did.
back to work. i've already been here for near 3 hours. please note the time. thank you.
so i'm thinking i should do some CPR on my journal and try to revive it.
we bought a house. say what? oh yes, we did. it's weird, owning something like that. i can do whatever i want to it and no one says a word. not even my darling hubby, cos he doesn't care in the slightest what i do with the house, as long as it has furniture and a functioning bathroom.
side note: i just went outside and it's snowing. [thank god] you know that saying how no 2 snowflakes are the same? how the eff does anyone know that? is there some snowflake research center that i don't know about? please.
i'm loving married life. i hate his schedule, but he loves his job so what can you do?
it's nearly christmas and i am proud to say i got almost all of it done over the internet. i hate shopping. store and malls around christmas make me want to commit some sort of felony.
off to read twilight. yes, i know. i am lame.
grandpa died on sunday. it was....probably the worst kind of expected.
[literally the day before, we were told it would be a few months. cue 9 AM phone call from my brother telling me to get my ass to my mom's cos everything just went spinning]
and i have no tact. my poor cousin was sleeping on the couch and i burst out and told her in the most crass way possible. i still feel like a piece of shit about that.
we spent the day at my aunt's and uncle's, which i ended with getting buzzed and telling them what i think and probably offending the nicest people on the planet.
the funeral was planned for my birthday, until i turned into a 3 year old and randomly started bawling about it.
it has really been the greatest few days.
i feel so empty and sad, i can hardly breathe.
and i can't fix anything, and i can't make anyone feel anything other than sadness and it's killing me and i HATE IT.
i'm going to miss him so much.
my heart is swelling up and trying to burst out of my chest, i can feel it.
i'm just so so so sad. i don't know what to do with myself except stare off into space. so that's what i shall do.