in exactly one week, at this time, i am going to be a married woman. i still can't wrap my head around it. but i'm excited. and it's in vegas, biatch. awoo hoo!
i always do this.
i get way into a story or something and i read about it until i know everything.
look up sylivia liken.
if your heart doesnt break, we cant talk.
100 burns on her body, not including the "message" that was burned onto her tummy.
what makes people treat each other this way?
are we really this fucked up?
my heart breaks for this girl and it was so long ago.
she was only 16. cut her some slack you critics.
my grampa is going to die.
its not like, 'oh he is sick and isnt doing well but lets hope.'
its 'the infection in his body is going to kill him. im sorry, theres nothing we can do.'
i knew it was coming sooner rather than later. but im still so sad i cant even think straight.
my grampa was so distant for so long. we still got together and saw him and whatnot, but he was always at arms length. a few years ago, he just randomly came around. he really is such a great person. and hes done so well with what he had.
i always do an inventory of someones life when they are about to leave me. i apologize in advance.
he raised 5 kids. well, i might add. he supported them incredibly, all on his own. he had my gramma, but i am talking about financially. he did well for himself and put himself through school and moved up to executive level in a company that has also done very well for itself [im sure youve heard of goodyear] he never stopped. he enjoyed himself when it was time to retire. living in hawaii for the winters, coming home in the summer. he was very generous with what he had and none of us have ever wanted for anything when it was something we needed. he was always right there to help out. he was the first one to tell me how proud he was of me when i decided to make a huge change, and reminds me of that every time ive seen him.
i am going to miss him so much, i can hardly breathe when i think about it.
and i have a funny feeling in my tummy that i dont have as much time as i think. im going to go see him tomorrow, and not go to work. i really dont care about the consequences.
and now, i must go call my cousins. being the only person in this family that is speaking to every member is getting on my last fucking nerve.
and now i am officially the most selfish person in the world for saying that.
i feel so off today. i have all day. i dont even remember what i did 10 minutes ago. i feel like ive been ripped all day, and i havent done anything. its the worst feeling. and im naseous from too much caffeine, cos i thought that would help. ugh. i cant focus, i cant think straight, i am whiny, and i am gross feeling. wtf.
and p.s. i hate downtown bars. i especially hate driving downtown on a drinking night. if one more scantily clad tart in a sequined tube top and skinny jeans with patent leather wedge heels runs in the middle of the street, pretending to be more drunk than she really is so that Brad McPrep-Ass will give her a piggy back ride cos "her feet hurt", i might, just might, not hit the brakes. i will tell the officer that my headlights reflected off her halter top and blinded me, thus making it not my responsibility that Sequined Mc-Ho now has a heather mills-esque prosthetic leg.
im sick of myself. in a way. i wish i was more motivated or smarter or something. i dont know. i am stuck in this rut, in a way. i want to do something marvelous, but im too scared to. which is the saddest thing ive ever heard.
everyone is getting married. i want that. i always say i dont, but as soon as someone tells me they're getting married, this stab of jealousy hits me like a brick. so maybe i want it more than i think. or maybe im afraid to fuck it up, so ive convinced myself i dont want it.
i used to have dreams. now i have rent.
i hate money, it runs everyone's show. and it's completely taken over my entire life, and therefore, everything ive ever wanted.
i hate being a grown up. i really, really, really hate it.
i feel like the biggest pretentious fuckwad right now.
im at home, smoking cigarettes, drinking earl grey [sans milk or sugar, since i have weaned off of both of those - tea wise- for some reason. usually, at any rate], reading a bret easton ellis novel [glamorama], with a dvd collection of michel gondry videos on in the background.
the ridiculousness of this struck me and i had to post and share it with you all.
not that i'll change any of it at the moment, cos im quite relaxed. just sharing.
dear god, before you know it i'll be in some vintage blazer, an emo tee and some skinny jeans. i really need to go drink a beer or something to even this all out.
- Music:bjork - isobel
ive moved. i love it. i hate hate HATE living in a mess, but i love my apartment and the area and everything about it. my plan is to finish everything this weekend. brett says that our living room looks like rainbow brite threw up in it. precisely what i love about it. *grin*
im going to san fran in october. ive decided. i cant make it a year without seeing my ryan. i just cant. i know youre reading this right now, going "oh im sure" but deal with it, its true. i miss you so much i cant stand it. *cackle*
im so going on a diet. today. stat.
i cant shake my cold. its driving me crazy.
i need job advice. i really do. do i switch? its too long to type, but its on my mind like crazy.
conan is coming on sunday. *cheer*
ill pick him up right after the vikings kick the bears ass.
oh, did i forget to mention that it was football season again? *obnoxious clapping and yelling*
i fucking love football season. and both my boys [read:teams] are at 2 and 0. brilliant.
time for more tea. ive been consuming more tea than the uk lately. its insane. but tasty.
- Music:scrubs is on tv
i havent done this in months. and not for lack of anything to say, i really dont know why.
work is insane. i always say that. but i love it. i cant believe some of the stuff that these nurses accomplish. especially wee little edith, the tiniest, most ethnic lady i have ever met. and she cracks me up on a daily basis. you must hear her, you must.
my favorite edith quote:
*a lady is complaining that her pain meds arent working and she wants edith to do something about it*
lady: pleease nurse. im dyin over here.
edith: your pain meds dont work cos you snort cocaine.
add an east indian accent to that, and put it in a 4 foot nothing body. hilarious. the lady really was a crackhead too, but c'mon. dont tell the poor thing that. she just had her back fused together.
im moving. you read that right. i got myself a wee little one bedroom apartment in uptown, and i love it so much i cant stand it. it has hardwood floors, a new kitchen and a new bathroom, and its just darling. i cannot wait.
the boy is still fantastic. hes amazing. no one can drive me as insane as him. but i know that i really love him, because the only thing i think of when hes making me so crazy, is that hes so cute and wonderful i want to just eat him up. i love him with everything that i have.
im itching for a trip. its been too long. maybe a road trip. which i find quite enjoyable. a lot of good conversation goes on during road trips.
regina says im an honorary sista. yes, sista. shes my black mama, so thats a good thing coming from her.
i need to go on a diet.
time to take out the puppies. i cant wait to have conan back. yay!! conan!
that is all. ill be back.
- Music:trading spaces is on
yes. my birthday. i psychotically love my birthday, and have become very good at stretching it out over several days. *cackle*
this is the first birthday where i feel older. like actually feel it. i feel....like a grown up, i suppose.
my job has to be taken seriously. which i enjoy. i can laugh and joke, but when its time to get down to it, i do and they do, and it just has to be done. there is a giagantic pause button for the silliness.
i am with the love of my life. you can call me crazy all you want to and tell me im too young, i really dont care. he is absolutely amazing and everyday with him is fantastic. i honestly look forward to growing old with him.
i pay more attention to detail. the house no longer can stay messy, it needs to be cleaned. the groceries need to be put away, the dogs taken out, the laundry done and put away, the bills paid, dinner cooked, lunch packed, the yard picked up, the oil changed. it's important to meet my family for dinner and catch up. it's important to visit grandpa. it's important to watch my bank account.
there's still time to be a crazy kid and act silly and goofy and whatnot. but i feel the tug of other responsibilites, and i actually listen to them, and tie them into the silliness instead of pushing them aside.
i feel like my own person.
i like it. i do.
some poorly quoted reality bites line:
the only thing you have to be by 23, is yourself.
im glad i am. :)
- Music:csi is on
my throat hurts so bad, i dont know what to do about it. it's beyond the help of cough drops and hot chocolate. it feels like i've swallowed a sharpened box cutter, and bit into it on it's way to the throat.
i tell everyone when i'm sick.
"would you like fries with that?"
"yes. i'm sick. fries will help."
makes no sense, but it matters not. everything is justified when you feel like poo.
which i do, currently.
my dear lizzy lost her job, for absolutely insane and ridiculous reasons.
i managed to wash my dear brett's wallet ,in my attempt to do laundry. i feel completely horrible about it, as the water and the purex have no doubt completely ruined it. [of course, it was new]
my dear grampa is in icu fighting for his dignity and for his life, both of which are escaping him slowly. i love him so much it makes my heart feel too large for my chest.
in other news.
easter was lovely. my family is so cute i can't stand it. my gramma made me an egg, like she loves to do, and gave me a salt and pepper shaker shaped like a kangaroo. the pepper shaker is the wee joey, and it fits inside the kangaroo's [a.k.a. the salt shaker] pouch. how adorable is it, might you ask? more adorable than i can tell you. and my aunt is a fantastic cook. she puts julia to shame. i had a lovely time.
that's about all for now. i may seem cranky, i just don't feel good. life is good, i have no reason to complain. *whistle*